Just pour it all out like it’s coming from the sky.

Sweet girl, sometimes love birds die.

You are good enough.

The sweet promises, he was just telling you all that stuff.

Baby find someone who loves you past all the moons and stars in the sky. All the way to the end of the universe, because there is someone out there for you.

I hate that you’re stuck here feeling so blue.

You deserve it all after everything you’ve been put through. 

After all the good you have put into this world for people you thought loved you.

For all the ones you thought loved you, there are people who love you with their whole heart and have been so infatuated with the thought of having you forever.

But forever is such a long time, so take your time to find someone right.

Dance in the pouring rain by the sandy shores. 

Smile when you feel the language of the world, and cry when you feel like Mother Earth is breaking.

Do everything you want to do and don’t let a few days of sadness and pain take away that inner beauty that shines so bright inside of you.

You are enough.

Past the all the moons and the stars.

Closure

Growing up you were always around. Not necessarily the 'around' I had hoped for, but I could always see you out of the corner of my eye.

As the years past by us and we made our own memories, there was still some part of me that belonged to you. I couldn't tell you why, being we hardly spoke when we were younger, but you did. You owned a piece of me I couldn't get back.

Our mutual friends knew how we felt about each other but no moves were ever made. Until, that is you decided to confess how you felt towards me. In that moment I felt as if time were at a stand still. You complimenting every inch of my physical being had taken my breath away. You, the guy I had always been foolishly attracted too, just told me how beautiful my weak and scrawny arms were in your eyes. I shouldn't have accepted that as a compliment.

From the very beginning I was told it was supposed to be you and I. Our friends and families knew it, and I suppose we ended up thinking so too. As the time passed the tension between us became significantly stronger, evidently. I was starting to become shy when I was in your presence, something you and I both know I'm not, and the flirting was becoming genuine. Lord knows we both tried to run away from the feelings that were about to erupt, but we didn't make it too far. Before I knew it we were laying down next to one another and you told me you couldn't do "this" any more, you needed me to be yours. I thought it was the silliest thing, but I dove in head first into this uncharted territory we were getting into.

Everything felt so perfect, even though you were gone most of the time you still made the effort to talk to me whenever you possibly could. The late night hours we spent facetiming, after the bars, to the early morning texts from you before you'd go to work. You did it for me. Made me feel as if time had stopped just for us.

After a few months, however, things had begun to change and you got busy. Our nonstop back and forth texting slowly became a few messages a day, and the phone calls became nonexistant. I understood though, because you were busy with training. So I let that continue for months thinking that as soon as training were over things would go back to being normal. That if we could make it passed this obstacle nothing could stop us. Oh how silly was I..

Eventually it became a few days in between us talking. You were off shore and I was busy sitting by the phone waiting for you to call and tell me everything was okay. You never called. Those days spent waiting for your call felt like eternity and I shed tears I'm not proud of. My friends had begun seeing the tole it was taking on me and that made them start despising you. I shared with you some of my darkest times in hopes you'd understand where I was coming from and why everything hurt me, but you didn't show an ounce of sympathy and that's when I should have ran.

I waited and waited until my heart couldn't take it anymore. I had talked to God every night asking what I should do and praying for the strength to find myself again, until it came to me.. It wasn't always supposed to be you and me, and that's perfectly okay.

In order to be happy you must let go and move on. The journey we went through wasn't perfect, but it was the greatest lesson I've come to learn this far. And that is to always be selfish when it comes to your feelings. I couldn't make you, or anyone, happy if I myself weren't happy.

You also helped me fall in love with myself and the beautiful world that surrounds me again. For that I will always be grateful and you will always have a special part of my heart. It may not be what I had hoped for many years ago, but I've finally placed you forever. In that part where all of our memories reside I will cherish forever, but thats all they are now, memories.

Thank you for being the beginning to my happiest days.

It's finally 2017!!

Oh the holidays are finally over, now we can all relax! 

Ana Graduated!!

Getting back into gear after the holidays is always hard! So hard in fact that those first two sentences were all I could think to type for a week or so.. So new year, new me?? I think not! This year I'm striving to be a BETTER me! Getting things "organized" is one of my main goals. If you know me you know I'm not a neat freak (sorry future hubby, but here's your warning). I need to get in gear this year. Yes, I do say that every year, but this year I ALREADY found the key to success!! It's all in your mental game.

"Whatever you hold in your mind will tend to occur in your life. If you continue to believe as you have always believed, you will continue to act as you always have acted. If you continue to act as you always have acted, you will continue to get what you have always gotten. If you want different results in your life or your work, all you have to do is change your mind!" - anonymous

We all have goals we want to achieve! Sometimes it's just hard finding the time to start. Become obsessed with reaching your goal and once you have it stuck in your mind, a way to obtain it will come easily! 

I ordered myself an Erin Condren Life Planner for my 22nd birthday in hopes to get organized and stay on track with my goals (maybe also so I could buy new pens and stickers) this year. Since ordering it a week ago I haven't been able to stop thinking about it and getting excited for it to be delivered! Hoping that if I obsess over it enough I'll stick to it! Maybe I'll have to make my next post about it ;)

A Busy Life

Chili Fest '16

I've finally begun to be happy again. To be completely honest I'm not quite sure when things have ever been this great. I've got a decent paying job that isn't stressful at all, a new (to me) car that is completely in my name, and my dad moved home after not living with us for 10 years! I've also slowly started to learn how to love myself.

Around summer time last year my mom was diagnosed with stage 2 cervical cancer. It was tough to say the least, but we made it through. The long days of radiation and chemo had started to take a tole on her, so I had to take on more household duties. We found out, 6 months later, around Christmas time that my mom had finally went into remission, which didn't last very long. She went back for a check up 6 months later only to learn she had spots of cancer on her lungs and her lymph nodes. Thankfully, after more radiation and chemo, she is back in remission! 

With my mom being cancer free again, my dad has moved home after retiring from 20 years in the navy. When we moved to Texas my parents decided to buy the house and stay here. Unfortunately 4 years after moving my dad got stationed back in San Diego and he moved around while we stayed here. Now that he's back things have changed, but not in a bad way. I have someone who understands me and someone I can relate to. Living without both parents for the past decade shaped me and helped me mature in ways most people learn in their late 20's. I had to take on a lot of responsibilities, but I wouldn't change a thing about it.

The hardest thing that I had to overcome was learning how to love myself. This time last year I was in an extremely dark place with the world. I was spiraling out of control and drowning in waves of darkness. I hated myself and just about everyone around me. I was depressed. I wanted to end everything, make every past memory irrelevant, make the horror of the future vanish. I was giving up. I had my plan and I was going to take that train to no mans land. I was in the middle of my goodbye letter when someone called me and changed my mind. I had felt so worthless in the past, but I just needed a reminder of how much I'm appreciated!*** After that incident I decided to talk to my doctor about what was going on and she gave me a list of activities and ideas to help. It took awhile, but I've figured out how to love myself and thats one of the purest feelings in the world!

The past year has been extremely hard for me and my family, but you can't just quit.

That isn't all that has gone on, but they are life changing events. Things aren't anywhere near where I'd like them to be, but they're getting there! I've met my forever friends this past year and the blessings keep coming. Don't give up!

"All that truly matters in the end is that you loved." 

*** If you, or someone you know is struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts tell them to call 1(800)2738255 to talk to someone who can help before it's to late.

Perseverance.

Today one of my dear friends asked me "red how are you so strong?" and to tell you the truth I didn't know the answer. I didn't know how to respond. Life is hard. I spend so many days just wanting to give up, but I never do. I some how always persevere without knowing why. Subconsciously praying that it will get better, that everything will get better.

I sometimes find myself on my knees crying asking why something has happened to me. I'm sure we have all found ourselves in this position at least once. What pushed us to being there. There down on our knees in such a vulnerable position asking God why and cursing to him. While you may think that he is "to busy" for you and so you're there questioning him and all his power. God is and never will be to busy for you. He is just letting everything fall into place for you.

I sit here and think about all that has happened in the last year with all the riots and shootings. Why has all of this become a huge concern? Since when have riots become a common thing to be put on the news? When did a simple hashtag become life changing? Why does a certain percent of the populations lives matter and they just leave out the others lives? When did social media become so powerful that they can help win elections? I'll tell you when. When we forgot to open our eyes and see that there are other people out there besides ourselves. We are worried about a damn HASHTAG than saving peoples lives from OTHER COUNTRIES. People who are starving in OUR OWN COUNTRY. People who have to deal with AIDS and HIV are DYING every damn day and what is the media concerned with? #BlackLivesMatter and #VMAs why are these so popular? why can't we just get off of social media and actually see that family matters and our friends matter. Children dying in poverty matter. WE ALL MATTER! The color of your skin should be the one of the things that DOESNT matter. Who we love DOESNT matter. We all have a heart and a brain. WE ALL matter. The VMAs are useless. TMZ is useless. Why is the media OBSESSED with other peoples lives when we should worry about people who are less fortunate.

Why don't we start helping out? So what if your neighbor is gay/lesbian/trans/bi HELP them. So what if your neighbor doesn't have the same color skin as you HELP THEM!! I was on vacation once walking to a starbucks ("oh typical white girl") minding my own business when I saw a women of a different color struggling with her groceries and I went out of my way to help a complete stranger. If we could all do that don't you think life would be better? This world needs to learn to get over our differences and become one.

To answer my friends question on how I am "so strong" its because of her and the other friends I have. I see their strength and it makes me want to be as strong as them. One of my best friends sister had stage three cancer and she was SO strong about it. Yes she cried, but crying doesn't show weakness. I want to be as strong as her. Another one of my friends lost her mom awhile back and I honestly have no idea how she could be so strong about that, but you know what. She has persevered. Everyone has preserved through something and without the wonderful people i have in my life I wouldn't have made it to who I am today and who I will be tomorrow. Everyone has their own battles to fight and I am so blessed to have such amazing people who have stood by me even when I have pushed them away. My friends and family are why I am so strong.

per·se·vere

ˌpərsəˈvir/

 VERB

continue in a course of action even in the face of difficulty or with little or no indication of success.

like a virus.

Cancer.

What is the first thing that pops into your head when that word is brought up? For some it's the zodiac sign and for others it's worse. Much, much worse. My thoughts on cancer used to be "eh if it happens to me it happens to me. There's nothing I can do about it" but recently my outlook on cancer has changed. Not only has it changed to me, but to my family as well.

A few weeks ago my mom got diagnosed with cervical cancer. When she called me with the confirmation I broke down in the middle of the childerns museum I was at. I didn't know what to think or how to react so I cried. hearing my mom say "The doctor said its cancer" broke me inside. What have I been doing all these years? I was HORRIBLE to my mom. All I could think about in that moment was everything I had done wrong to her and everytime I had made her cry from being so mean. I finally realized what I was doing to her. 

Nowadays I feel like everyone knows someone who has/had cancer or actually has cancer. It's spreading. Like a virus everywhere. Not just one type, but hundreds. Why hasn't this been stopped? Why hasn't a cure been found? All the millions of dollars donated each year. How is this not preventable?

My mom is a lucky one. It's been caught in the early stages we've been told. It hasn't been confirmed yet, but that's so far what we have been told. I pray every night and thank God for letting me be here for her and I ask for his forgiveness for all the wrong I have done to her. I love my mom so much, and I'm done taking advantage of her.